Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?

ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…

Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…

Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!

one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert

“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder

Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.

*pulls up pants

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

🙁

i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.

-kids

[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*

Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.

Me: *poops all over windshield*

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”

Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering

If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.

I know karate and tons of other words.

Times when the world seems different somehow:

– being in your elementary school as an adult

– being in a pool when it rains

– train stations at night

– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die

– walking through fresh snow by yourself

Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.