Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
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Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
#Caturday
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”