Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
You Might Also Like
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
awkward
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’