Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
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[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
I just ran a .003048K
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl