Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
You Might Also Like
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Not all heroes wear capes.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.