Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
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Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
I used the label maker
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.