Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
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Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious