Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
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My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?