Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
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I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
just having fun
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.