Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.

Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434

Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”

Nurse: Where does it hurt?

Me: *Points to heart*

Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!

Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*

I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.

It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.

A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.

Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.

growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum

HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.

Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning

The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems

ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470

SON: So cats don’t have much taste

CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious

Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.

MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!

ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-

M: Archaeologists are stumped!

A: No, we have a good amount of evi-

M: Was it even humans?

A: Yes. Yes it was.

M: Perhaps we’ll never know!

A: *screams*

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.

I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.

When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!

Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.

If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.