Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
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How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink