Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division

Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”

Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”

Me: “Pretty cool, right?”

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…

Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*

I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.

If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”

this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore

What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.

I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.

I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor

I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.

[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]

I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.

I love you…

…r dog.

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please

I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.

The Internet is good for two things

1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes

Monday again. I just knew this would happen

I put the I in Insufferable.

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected

I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk

MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar