Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.
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[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…