Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.
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[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
I have questions??
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?