Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.
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People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Okay
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.