Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
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Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
when mom throws a party…
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?