Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
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Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
She was REALLY feeling it.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
This was a bad idea all around
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
