Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

PLEASE READ

3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.

Me: Okay—

3: And bite people.

*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.

Why spend money on a paper shredder?

Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.

My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”

This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.

The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.

Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.

Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.

In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.

Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”

*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.

Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe

*has kids*

Also me: Not like that

I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

I work at Home Depot.

White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers

Me: Thank you for that information

Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?

Tamale guy: yes

Me: I’ll take three

hear me out : pockets for your socks

My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years

Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.

Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.

I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane

“Update the force, Luke”

Adobe Wan Kenobi

10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.

Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?