Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
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I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Doctors texting each other.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.