Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
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I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Trying
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.