Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
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me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Every woman I know is down catastrophic for the United Healthcare CEO assassin so if you’re a lonely, unstable, disaffected young man yearning for love and connection I can confidently tell you that there’s (1) thing you can do to get that special girl’s attention…
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.