Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
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Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Your soulmate is too smart to date you
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather