Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.

I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.

Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*

Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?

Welcome to Twitter.

Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.

Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.

Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.

Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.

I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.

I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile

Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?

Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion

Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?

Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never

Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*

“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*

YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.

ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.

Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.

My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that

I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

there are 2 types of people:

– those who love deviled eggs

– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”