Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.

I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”

You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤

Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?

woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay

Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up

I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

[inventing napkin dispenser]

bob: it has two settings

ceo: ok

bob: one at a time

ceo: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

ceo: first of all i love it

Hang in there buddy

I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?

GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda

women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”

My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.

I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.

Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.

ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID

I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.

I am, perchance

Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”

My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”

My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate

“You look tired”

Well you’re crap at compliments.