Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.
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I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.