Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.
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I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her: