Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.
You Might Also Like
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.