Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Pringles Tube but for Donuts

Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

[In cubicle at work]

*pretends to start clipping my nails*

*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*

CW: WTF!

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave

Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you

Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing

Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.

*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet

If looks could kill

My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.

Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain

So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

God tier horse name today on the sims