Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
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911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.