Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
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My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?