Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
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HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
#polloftheday
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.