Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.

ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.

CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

Well. That’s not a good sign.

Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.

Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

Knuckle tats:

(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)

(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)

All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.

I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.

You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.

“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”

Me: Um, brooding real hard.

I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.

Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.

“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.

I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won’t die a virgin.

Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up

All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!

embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.