Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.

Risking my life for fun.

Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”

Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string

Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.

I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!

“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

[news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine

[ DURING SEX ]

Me: Who’s a bad hand!?

[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea

My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”

My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”

“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved

A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience

Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.

TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.

When you can’t find your friend Neil

My neopet probably thinks I’m dead

*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*

Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.

Told her not to worry, someone else will.

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.

Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.