Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
You Might Also Like
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Poetry is my passion
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
How can I say no to this ?
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
My life in a nutshell
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?