Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
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After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
The pasta is now
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’