Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
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*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits