Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.

[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]

NO. DEAR GOD, NO!

knock knock

who’s there

Reggie

Reggie who?

The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood

Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’

“Daddy, I-”

*presses button for soundproof backseat divider

Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”

*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider

I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.

[me as a knight]

Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?

Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm

Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time

At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple

In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me

Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.

“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.

[Friend who gave birth a week ago]

“I’m on the treadmill!”

[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]

“My tailbone still hurts”

Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like

VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal

WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me

Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”

Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.

Better “copulate” than “copunever.”

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?