Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
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My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
100% of divorces begin with marriage.