Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
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Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
how high up are we talkin’?
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.