Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
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Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
My toxic trait is treating my glasses like they’re not the most expensive thing I wear everyday.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit