Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?

Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.

Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.

*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”

Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.

My favorite farside!!

In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.

In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.

16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.

26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.

36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.

me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this

brain: even people who know you?

me: oh god no

This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.

When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.

Shut the hell up.

Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.

Daughter: Anyone there?

Ouija Board: S P O T

Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm

Ouija Board: N O

ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

What kind of a cult is this?

Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR

“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

“Sookie!”

-70% of True Blood dialogue

volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”

This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.

My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

That stupid look on my face, is my face