Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
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Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I beg you to euthanise me
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat