Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”

Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.

I fixed it. For me

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined

Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes

High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.

My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows

i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button

*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*

cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder

My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster

[interviewing babysitter]

me: how much do you charge?

ipad:

It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day

Opens the bottle of hot sauce

[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature

[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender

“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”

*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.

Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu

Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.

[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.

me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat

mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]

me: so really i did you guys a favor

me: does anyone here play baseball

england: *crickets*