Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
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[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
scared to check what name she chose
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.