Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context

Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.

Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.

Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.

Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.

You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.

It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.

When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.

It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”

doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you

Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

let’s discuss

Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.

Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.

The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.

Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex

Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie

Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?

Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!

I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”

Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”

It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.

This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?

Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.

Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?

Because there are more birds on that side

Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?