Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
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People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Wikigenius
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.