Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
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*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Brands during Pride
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Me: I brought hay, but I don’t think I can fit much inside me.
HR: Did… did you think we were hiring an assistant manger?
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
I don’t think we should be adding any new states to the US until we fix whatever the fuck is wrong with New Jersey
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench