FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
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constantly working on myself.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
sin harder.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is