Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter

Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.

professor x: what’s your power?

jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters

gay professor x : interesting

cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell

I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog

The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline

Me when the elevator tries to leave without me

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?

[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert

Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.

Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.

Colleagues: “You look tired.”

When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”

Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets

Me: Hold my goat

Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids

What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common

Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.

This rocks

Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.

Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.

My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

What the hell happened in there??

Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.

Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.