FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
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Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Another year of doing the same thing next to a slightly different number, nice call
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
A couple who are silly together stay together.