FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
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Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!
dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-
frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*
dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Growing out my freckles.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
The single bravest thing you can do over 40, is go somewhere in the cold with a full bladder
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
termite twitter scares me
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?