Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.

Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.

I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.

pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”

We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups

“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever

If you’re going to see Nosferatu in hopes of there being a spongebob cameo dont even though waste your time. He’s not in it

Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.

what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace

My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids

Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.

[Voter registration]

Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals

Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”

[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”

Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.

I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?

Sauer crowd.

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously

MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH

kool-aid man: you’re grounded

kool-aid son: I hate you!

kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–

kool-aid son: *uses door normally*

Welcome

“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.

My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.