Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.

Is it because I’m brown??

Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.

One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.

How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence

God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.

Angel: Like at 6 AM?

God: Earlier.

Angel: 5 AM?

God: EARLIER

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”

hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well

He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.

I’m confused about plants

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone

Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die

I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*

Squirrels before girls.

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport

some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures

Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.

I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.

Normalize responding to work emails with:

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

What do we want?
SNACKS!

When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!

– kids.

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?

Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage

I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.

Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?

Her: That’s not important.

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”