Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.

Me: I want you to make me a better person

Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars

when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”

Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.

If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.

If your going to insult me at least make me Google it

Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.

Me: And another thing…

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.

If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog

Him: the what?

Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???

Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands

I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?

my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be

I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”

???????????????????????

Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones

Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?

Me: no, the bones in my mouth

Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones

◾️

*accidentally click on internet explorer*

Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE

I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.

Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.

Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong

[filling out the date on important documents]

Brain: when I say June you write June!

Me: yeah!

Brain: JUNE!

Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!

There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.