FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
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My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
bought wrong eggs
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
So the ex texted me
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Please vote for people who are attractive
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead