Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
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Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
OKAY DAD
pls suprot
Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website