Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
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ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.