Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
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Jurassic park gets weird
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
g
a
r
d
e
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.