facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
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me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale