Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

Sunday night: Super Bowl party!

Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!

I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.

No one

An atheist: I am an atheist btw

Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…

Me: I love eating nerds

Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)

Me: no, not that kind.

Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.

Me: *gets comfortable*

Life: Just one more thing …

Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.

My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.

Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.

Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.

did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”

Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”

U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes

Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?

God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!

Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-

God: ALL THE NECKS!

[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other

[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

Son: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime

Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.