Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what

My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me

Me:

Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening

My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.

Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.

[at doctor’s office]

Nurse: You may get undressed now.

Me: [rips off tear away pants]

Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.

Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.

Me: that’s BS

6: boring stuff?

Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes

To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.

my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy

If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?

My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.

Meow

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.

interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job

me: the company moved

interviewer: where to

me: they didn’t tell me

“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️

Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas

Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.

Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.

Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.

So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.

Nolege is power biches!

Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.

First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.

How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one