Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.

Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726

“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”

I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.

office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance

Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.

I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.

LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone

SERVER: you’re a DOG

Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!

Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.

lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised

When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.

“We’re promoting you to Anchor”

Reporters: 🙂

Sailors: 🙁

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.

C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.

Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops

At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.

I don’t o u anything!

– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings

Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button

You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.

Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.