professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
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Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
hackers play passwordle
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Noted.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.