Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires

[highspeed chase]

ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*

[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]

“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”

“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”

I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.

VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”

9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”

boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*

Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”

Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”

Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”

Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it

[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

CNN: The alien invasion has begun

British person: I’ll put the kettle on

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.

having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex

People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT

FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt

PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something

FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals

funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same

Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things

Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.

Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.

[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle

Me: I’m feeling my age today.

Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.

Me: Your sister is my favorite.

[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]

Security guard: sir do you have business here?

Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone

SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

I’m too immature for adultery.

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster