Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
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Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
yea so i messed up lol
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel