Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
You Might Also Like
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Might start laying my own eggs
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this