Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.

Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]

[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered

I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen

Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.

financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?

me:

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her

Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up

Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday

Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!

GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive

I’m a bad bitch. Truly exceptional at being bad at everything.

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.

So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer

“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”

*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*

beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too

This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.