Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

*spelling bee*

“Your word is disaster.”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”

The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨

Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …

Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

[courtroom]

me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ

judge: pardon?

me: omg thank you

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

[at Super Bowl party]

Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK

Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow

Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice

Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t

Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.

HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!

Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark

Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.

Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?

KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!

ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!

ME: check out this cordless trimmer

BARBER: stop calling me that.

Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.

Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.