Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
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My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!