Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
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Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
The human personality is made of five key elements
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen