Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
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If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.