Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
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ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.