Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

[time machine appears in my old bedroom]

FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.

YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*

[time machine ceases to exist]

FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.

Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?

Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.

Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?

My safe word is extra cheese

…in queso emergency.

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.

*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!

My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”

Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.

Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”

[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.

*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture

Me: Floor Is Lava??

12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it

Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.