Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
You Might Also Like
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?