Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.

Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?

My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms

*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.

All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.

Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

Go gym

Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”

me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…

Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.

I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I’m busy.

Cndnsd Mlk

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore

You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.

Me: Hi.

Girl: No.

Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane

Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.

Partner: One of us?

Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.