Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
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I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Couldn’t untangle my Christmas lights this year.
So I plugged them in and threw them out in the front yard. Christmas tumbleweed and done.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Them: You should try keto
Me:
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.