“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
You Might Also Like
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked